Someone ever said I write well... I remember I answered that it was probably because I'm an artist. No matter what the reason is I don't seem to have writen anything worthy about the camp or even manage to put my thoughts in order.
I'd read so many posts saying ‘I can't stop thinking of the camp' before arriving at Chateau d'Oex and it all seemed pretty unreal to me... was it really that great that you can't stop thinking about it? Is it the same as for example when you're in love and you just can't help but daydreaming all of the time? I mean ALL the time. I know what it means to be in love and no matter this bursting feelings that experience back there in the Swiss Alps is something that has obsessed my mind to that extend that I'm even hard to talk about it and even a little frightened to do so. It's because I'm afraid I may not say the right words and not describe it even half truly as it was. All the time I try to do it I fail. I wonder what do the great explorers feel when they come back!?
It' s been more than three weeks now.. is it really? I can't track the time...I still feel as if I'm away from home. Human nature is one of the strangest things ever to appear in this world and it's one of the most intriguing things for me. Exploring my own mind and coming to know my own abilities is even more interesting. So, the time spent in the camp probably combined my worst and my best moments in my life. And the truth is... I don't miss the good moments that much as I do for the tiring and exhausting moments. It's not that I love being in pain, it's because there's something else I don't know how to call that comes from the bottom and rises up to make you keep going. It's probably a walk for some (Erwan for example, Fred and Claude-Allan of course.. I don't know if the spelling's right) or just a tiring trip for others. For me it was the most emotional adventure I've ever done... I've felt all kinds of feelings up there... most of them physical but I believe that it was the emotions that held my spirit high...Every time I remember the Raid and my eyes fill with tears. My wonderful Dreamteam members (Group 2- Me, Reuben, Lucie, Valentina and Monde) would agree I suck at physical activities (especially when I have something sprained :D). I really suck but thanks to them I made it and not just made it. We were the first to cross the red line back to Hotel De Ville. It was the sweetest pain of all. Now when I come back to all the wonderful moments I feel so many mixed feelings. First, it's the sadness it's over and the awful awareness that you might not see these people again. Sometimes in life (most of the time in Bulgaria) you get to live through a certain thing just once and even if you try to keep in touch with some people, life just doesn't want you to be close to them and builds walls. Then, it's that little withdrawal you feel to your friends when you come back. They feel so happy for you, for your success...but what do they know? They don't even feel close to what you feel. They are your best friends, they've been all of their lives close to you and they don't even know what you're trying to say... it's the moments you start looking at tagged photos in Facebook and read your teammate's comments and smile, because they know what you mean!:)
My family doesn't even share my enthusiasm. They don't even want to know how it went. I mean they asked some questions but when I start talking they interrupt me and start talking about their everyday worries again. I don't hate them because of that, I don't blame them to be like that. It's actually yesterday that my dad asked about the camp and saw some photos. I live far from home and that's a reason they haven't seen me in a while and no matter they love me in their own way and we hear every day on the phone, they don't really listen to what I really want to say... they don't even see what I'm looking at... Home really is, where the heart is.
I know time will pass and my feelings will fade. I know I will never forget about it. It's a curse I have- I never forget people and places. And this is more than just a place and more than just the friendships. I've come to know a part of myself I didn't even know it existed. Well ok, I had some guesses but that was all... 
I remember when I had the interview at the office and Cathy asked me if I want to add something at the end and there was really nothing I wanted to say more than "Thank you". What I learned is more than what we experienced and I am so thankful that I'm given a chance to be a part of it. Words are so weak when you really mean them (it's probably because they're never used when the time is right and when the time comes you feel like they don't belong there anymore).
I didn't even care I was not selected for the expedition but now when I'm back I do care, because you will all gather together again and I miss you most of all. You'll get even closer and share something that could be hundred times better than the camp. I really want to see you again...:)
We can have some bread with Vegemite together! I would eat the whole jar just to get to you once more! :D
I'm listening to Kaptein for the 100th time now... and I'm leaving. Just physically.
Thank you Michelle for that song!
So guys... span die seile! India's shores are waiting for you!